The Perfect House

Our family is looking for a house. A fourth person joining us in this tiny, hot apartment in the middle of next summer makes a very good incentive to find a larger place to live.

It's hard not to envision a future happiness that will come in our beautiful new house. I smile thinking about the children sprawled on the hardwood floors, a long river of crayons between them, pictures cascading forth. A kitchen with the smell of baking cookies, flour covering the table, as the oldest helps the youngest stamp out a dinosaur cookie. A yard that attracts the neighborhood children for afternoons of tag and hide-and-seek. A place for my husband to retreat and create, someplace of his own. A nook for me in the kitchen or living room, where I can keep an eye on the children and mend things or write stories or color. A master bedroom, 2 bedrooms for the children, an office, 2 bathrooms--I think all of those are essential.

But I am hoping for more than that. I want a dining room big enough to have 12 people to dinner. I am hoping for hardwood throughout the house. I think it is beautiful and easy to keep clean. I want a kitchen big enough that my husband and I can both use at the same time. I want plenty of storage in the kitchen and elsewhere. I'd like a yard with a good space for a garden and at least one nice tree. I'd like a porch or a front yard that would be perfect for summer evenings with a glass of lemonade and conversation with neighbors.

As a young family, we are wanting to find a house in a safe neighborhood. But we'd also like it to be a walkable neighborhood: a few blocks to a park, a grocery store nearby, a library within a 20 minute walk. It was so nice when I lived in an apartment close to a supermarket. I managed without a car for 3 years, almost 4. Because there was a bus line nearby, it was hard to feel like I was missing out. A bus line near our new house will be important, since we are still a one-car family and I often shop and run errands during the week.

Tonight we are looking at a few houses. It would be awesome if we found the right house tonight. But I know that whether it takes a few nights or many months, God will help us find a house that meets our needs, including the ones we don't even know yet.

My little boy has been asleep for an hour now. I lay here in bed resting, because in the first trimester that is all I ever want to do. The cat breathes heavily, sighs. In the distance, the heater creaks and moans. In this almost silence, I feel like myself again. There is no list of things to do right now. No pressure to be or think or solve.

Being a mother is so challenging; some days I wonder how I ever thought it was a good idea. Some days I dream of daycare, waving goodbye to AJ, heading home to write and knead warm loaves of bread and listen to loud music. And then AJ giggles at something, something peculiarly funny only to those under the age of 2. His arms wrap around my neck in a quick, flickering hug. Those moments erase the memory of the tantrums, the trail of cereal, the annoyances of early morning wake-ups.

Now that I am pregnant with a second, I find myself longing for something to call my own. A creation that challenges me to be better, to strive for more. Yes, motherhood is that, in a nutshell, but in motherhood so much depends on the little person. I want something that is selfishly mine. And so, I will try this: writing in the afternoon.